went in at 1:30. couldn't eat or drink anything after 10:30 and i was SO thirsty. cheated and had a sip of water from the fountain to wet my mouth. i wasn't really hungry - i pigged out right up until the stop eating deadline, and i ate real oatmeal, which does a good job staying with you.

2:30-ish
there was a REASON i wanted something stronger than valium. i'm tired anyway, they couldn't tell if the valium was working or not. people in front of me watching a surgery. they are fascinated by the close up of the other guy's eyes.

3:00-ish
take me in for surgery. razzlefrack the valium is not working! tense tense tense hyperventilating too late to back out now. asked me what time it is on the clock at the end of the hall. 6 feet away, it is somewhere around a couple minutes after 3. can't really tell.

surgery
ok. i won't lie. i needed more valium -or something stronger - and i needed more eyedrops. because i was SO tense, this may have been the worst 20 minutes of my entire life up to this point. i was SCARED. i was SO scared. i was hyperventilating to the point that the nurse actually told me i had to breathe slower. my attempt at deep breaths sounded like the hiccuping cry that little kids get when they are stopping a bawling fit. one of the nurses asked if i wanted something to hold, before i laid down on the chair. she gave me a little squishy football and baseball. i think i put holes in them from my fingernails. i would have probably made my own hands bleed, i was clenching my fists so tight. they even at one point said 'reach under there and take her pulse'

good thing: i was so damn scared i get the rabbit look - all i can do is stare straight ahead. which is of course, what they wanted.

i should have had another set of numbing drops in my eye. not because my EYE was hurt in any way, but because the device they use to hold your eyeLIDs open stretched too much on the corners of my eyes, where the drops hadn't gone. so, that was hurting. because that part hurt my skin, it added to my fear and tension.

the actual procedure, the part that everyone is afraid of, where they cut the flap to prepare for the laser - SO not a big deal. that was the LEAST BAD part of the whole thing. i think they did 25 seconds on one eye. i know it was 20 seconds on the left, i remember that clearly. the doctor is a very skilled surgeon. he was working quickly, as one of the concerns always, which was POINTEDLY explained to me, is that the longer the flap is open and the cornea is exposed, the more danger there is of the corneal tissue reacting to the humidity level in the room and either losing or gaining moisture, which then interferes with the pre-calculated measurements.

after the lasering was done, the surgeon washed the surface of the eye with some sort of saline - it was very cold and felt SO good after my eye had been pried open so rudely. i think he may have put the first eye shield on right away, i'm just not sure. i know i was more scared with the second eye, cuz i KNEW the eyelid things was going to hurt.

the doctor who had felt brusque and uncaring in my initial consultation was sitting behind me murmuring a constant stream of you're doing good, you're doing just fine, if all my patients were this good it would make my job a lot easier [that is a DIRECT quote]. this is the surgeon whom i was warned about, that he gets very snappy in the operating room and will yell at you to stay focused on the light. so.... either i really was doing very good, OR i was so scared he thought if he were stern i would pass out or something.

the whole surgery took approximately 20 minutes from start to finish. when i was done, they put plastic eyeshields on, then had me look out the window again. at which point i could see stuff across teh street, but i was so scared i was hot and i fogged up the eye sheilds. they had me turn around and the clock on the other side of the room 15' away said 3:29.

but i was scared and shaky and trying not to cry IN the room.

then when i got back to my little waiting area i was just bawling from tension, and the nice nurse - who had seen me cry from tension the week before when i'd been in for my pre-op exam - told me "i know, this is an impossible thing to ask. but you need to try not to cry" !! the tears, too much liquid, could interfere with the flap being able to reseal on my eye.

so sniffles, shaky, no food for like 6 hours... i had some water, and they have a "goodie basket" with granola bars and crackers - cuz of course everyone is hungry and low blood sugar. i had the nurse call dear hubby, because i was afraid i would scare him with my shaky voice.

post surgery
went home, slept for several hours. had to take the eye sheilds off briefly before the nap to do eye drops. antibiotic, then wait 5 minutes, then refresh eyedrops. slept lots of hours, more eyedrops. a warning - the first couple sets of antibiotics sting really BAD. and you can't TOUCH your eyes! argh! i found myself actually gripping the edge of the sink to keep from touching my eyes or squinting them shut - another no-no.

friday morning, 9 am
post surgery follow up, appx 19 hours post surgery. 20/20 vision in right eye, 20/15 [better than "normal"] in left eye. no abnormal sensitivity or any of the complications that i'd been warned about.

monday morning
appx 68 hrs post surgery.

dry eyes when i wake up first thing. a bit of fluxuation in my vision. staring at the screen for too long causes a sharp shooting pain in my right eye, once every couple hours. need to take excedrin to alieviate the eye-strain headache beginning in my temples. this is a lot to ask of the poor eye muscles - they are getting a big workout right now.

i am scared to death that i am going to do something to mess this up. i can SEE for the first time since i was about 9 years old. i really want to keep this perfect excellent vision.

but even right now.... even though that was the WORST 20 MINUTES OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!! .... i would do it again, to get the results.