ok. so i have a major case of performance anxiety.

i had to memorize Psalm 23 [in french] to recite in class today. and of course, being me... i put off getting started on it until yesterday. but i worked on it on and off at work all day and then finished learning it [with michael's help. thanks dear! ] last night. i finally had it pretty near perfect at about 1:10 am.

and this morning, i was still able to recite it in the shower. and on the way to work. and on the way for class.

in fact, at any given moment i could say it letter perfect... right up until that second when the teacher called on me.

then:

heart racing

chest tightens, shortness of breath

hands, arms start shaking

vision begins to darken around the edges

mind goes... blank.

you think i'm exagerating. i'm not. by the time i got done, i was afraid i was going to pass out from lack of oxygen.

i never had this kind of anxiety in high school. or even in college for "real". the only time i have ever had this anxiety problem is for THIS CLASS. i don't know what is wrong with me. it is very frustrating!

i've always been the whiz kid, the teacher's pet, the show-off in the front row that everyone hates who always knows the answers to every question. and suddenly i find myself gripped with mind-numbing fear at such simple exercises as reciting a psalm. and it is only *6* verses! for goodness sake! we could have to memorize that one psalm that goes on for 114 verses [takes 3 1/2 pages in my little Bible].

maybe i'm being too hard on myself. but it is annoying. i'm supposed to be an "a" student. i am very neurotic on this. i MUST have an "a" in the class. to simply pass is not good enough. anything less than perfect is unacceptable.