had a good talk, although too short. i told him how i wish he would tell me what he's really thinking, instead of just saying something soothing or agreeable. i can tell that he's thinking/feeling something other than what he's saying, and it really bothers me.

i understand that he doesn't want to fight anymore. but... i'm no better at getting "hints" than he is! he just needs to smack me upside the head and make me realize how stupid i'm being.

this is all on me, all about me. he has really been putting effort into spending time with me, not going off and doing his own thing. so i guess i just need to figure out how to see that, how to realize it.

he is frustrated that i was more excited by the surprise of phantom than when he brought me flowers. i think there are several reasons. first of all, the flowers were two weeks ago, while i was in the depths of despair. i don't feel so bad anymore, so it's easier to get excited.

second, for that cd to just show up out of the blue, was SO unbelievable, and unexpected, i can't help being excited. i mean... michael has brought me flowers before. so, even though i was not expecting it THAT night, it is not TOTALLY unexpected. after all, husbands get their wives flowers. it's.... common... normal....

so, i think the third reason that i was SO excited about getting Phantom is that it was a totally unexpected response to a very specific wish. something that had never, EVER happened to me before. something similar for michael would be if he showed up, not with just flowers... but maybe to walk home to a totally clean house when we left it dirth [like... a maid service or something]... or... to show up with an anniversary diamond. something so unique, so special, so wild and crazy that i could NEVER predict it, never expect it.

and it is the female double standard. because... i mentioned it here in my diary. which michael reads. so now, i could list off every cool idea i've ever had that i would love to be surprised by. but if he does it... it is not so much of a surprise. why is that? what is this demand for spontenaity and creativity in surprising me. why is it not enough? i don't know.

i really think the flowers had more to do with the fact that we were only a week past the first big fight. so we hadn't really worked through anything yet. i have more good days than bad days lately. i wasn't then. every day two weeks ago was tense, sad. so, maybe in another month i will be happier again.

michael. you have to do something totally out of character for you, to surprise me. do something cool and special and sweet and big that you have NEVER done before. get ideas from tom or richard. or amy or jenn.