ok. i'm sick. i admit it. my head feels like a big pounding balloon, swollen and stuffed. and my ears hurt when i breathe. how's that?

but i'm going to fight it off, i am, i am! i'm still guzzling echineachea pills like mad. i had a good, no sugar lunch. actually, lunch will sound pretty boring: plain mashed potatoes, mixed beans, and california mixed veggies, all covered with as many seasonings and spices as i can get my hands on in the cafeteria. [gotta remember to go easy on that garlic salt.... it tends to burn if you overdo it]

so.

why is it that i keep thinking of cory? after all, i am thinking of michael, too. it seems like the two of them are just all jumbled together in my head. every time i think of one, the other pops up. forever linked in my head.

i'm sure michael thinks i am still pining after cory. it's not really that. i can't say that i have NO romantic interest in him... but it's no more real than thinking Buffy the Vampire Slayer is hot. it's all in the head.

i think what i appreciated most about cory was that i could tell him anything; everything that was on my mind at that moment, and he never judged me. it's that level of personal sharing that says "i'm not perfect, and you know what? that's ok."

that is something that i don't feel from michael right now. it's that whole trust thing [yes, again]. that's what i mean, i guess, when i say i don't trust him not to hurt me. i feel like i have to edit all my thoughts before i speak, or he will judge me for not being perfect, or not being perfectly happy, or whatever. and that bothers me. that makes me sad.

what ever happened to us, dear? it makes me want to cry? we were the perfect couple. everone wants to be us. when did it stop being fun? is it all my fault? is this just me? are you perfectly happy again? what is happening? i miss the carefree times of dating. i'd even take the pressure of school work and grades for the chance to have time with you.

but you know what? back then, we had no friends. we almost lost all the friends we had; we retreated into our own little world and it was just us, or school, or work. and now, we are discovering what it is like to be popular; to always have to care what other people are going to think, to be focused on being good friends, going out, giving, visiting, helping.... no wonder we don't have time for each other. and i know that you need time to yourself, and i guess that i do too. but i have this stupid french class that is getting in the way.... so you see, i can make this be all my fault very easily.

it's all my fault. it's all me being depressed.

when did i stop smiling?

i don't know. but i know that it was so cool to have cory to talk to, because for two short weeks there was someone out there who made me feel like they really cared about my thoughts, and was interested in what i had to say, and i was not a distraction, or an interruption, or an annoyance. of course, cory is temporarily unemployed, giving him the freedom during the day to do whatever he wants, with large blocks of time that he was perfectly willing to share with me. and i really, really liked that. it was intoxicating to have someone pay that much close attention to me.

i'm tired of being an adult. i'm tired of being understanding. i'm tired of our jobs, love. i'm tired of doing things for other people all the time.

we used to waste our sundays not doing anything at all, but we were doing it together. and now, we just do our own thing and never even talk, never go out... this is why people fall out of love. and wake up some morning to find they are married to a stranger. i don't want that to happen to us. i want to find what we had. i really want to be happy again.

and so, back to cory....

do you suppose you will ever be happy letting me talk with him again?

*********

ok. i'm thinking of last night when you came downstairs, and now i'm getting mad. i'm not going to let you just retreat into your shell. i'm not going to let you hide. something is bothering you and i want you to TELL me. i'm not going to let you hide. we are worth fighting for, and if you're going to hide your feelings again, we WILL be fighting. if that is the only way i can get you to tell my what you are thinking then so be it.

damn it, michael! what is going on in that head of yours? and don't tell my your jaw hurts, or your back hurts, or your head hurts. that is the same excuse that i use. there is more there. what is it? what did i do to make you mad? or... what part of this are you upset about?

talk to me! arrgghhh!!! i feel like crap, and i am losing my patience. i'm not going to sit back and take all the blame. you have to talk to me to. if you don't want me to talk with cory, well, fine then. but YOU have to be willing to listen to me, and to talk and to share your feelings, because that is what i was looking for from cory. i want a best friend, better than my girlfriends, closer than family. i want YOU.