i am looking for... something. i just don't know what it is.

sidenote.

ugh! they are giving the weather report again! [shiver] oh, my feet are so cold, they have never warmed up from going outside for lunch... and now we have four inches of snow on the ground. blech! yuck! you know... if i had WARM winter gear, i would kind of like the snow. after all, it is pretty, and everything looks nice and clean after a good snow. it is DURING the snowstorm that it just sucks.

my favorite black leather shoe-boots are 9 years old and only slightly warmer than walking barefoot through the snow. i say slightly because the advantage over bare feet is that my feet don't actually get wet. mostly. i guess if i got around to snow-sealing them so they didn't leak i wouldn't worry about the one foot that gets damp right near the seam... but they are so thin... grr!! somehow i need to convince my hubby that it is necessary to have a nice pair of warm black winter-shoes.... to go with my warm BROWN hiking boots.... men just don't understand the whole color-coordinating thing with shoes. ok, many men. Tom [michael's best friend] actually does have a pair of black dress shoes... and a pair of BROWN dress shoes... and he correctly chooses which shoes to wear with which dress pants. quite impressive, actually. i'm hoping some of it rubs off on michael :)

so... why am i dissatisfied with life? i don't really know.

i've been searching for something for several years. i think really it is that i need somehow to find a renewal in my personal devotional life. but i'm never motivated, or what i read is boring, or i feel fake, or i don't have time, or i'm too tired, or a million other excuses that all add up to i just don't do it. and so, i suppose i transferred some of that searching to renewing my old friendship with cory.... but then got very carried away. [sigh] and.... i will forever feel bad. because i think i blew my last chance to ever be friends with cory. i don't suppose he feels like waiting another ten years for me to pop into his email again. like i can keep track of him that long anyway. he has this habit of running off to russia or wherever and i never do know what is happening with his life.

.... and THAT is so much why i'm angry with myself. because ... inappropriate romantic feelings aside... cory is one of the neatest people i've ever met, and i would love to just -- you know, "hang out".

but i don't think michael is ever going to really get over this. after all, it has been how long, and i still get twinges of jealousy about jeannie? and he SO does not understand why i'm jealous of her. um... i can totally understand why michael is jealous of cory... i screwed up. i really did.

and you know, if we made, or even make, some sort of lasting change in our relationship, it will be ok in the end. it will be worth the excrutiating mental anguish that i've caused and that i've been through. but so far, i'm so frustrated, we keep falling back into the same habits, the same routines! it doesn't FEEL different. how do you change a feeling? can anyone answer that? cuz i certainly don't know. i wish i did. i wish i could just reach inside my head and flip a little switch to "on" and presto! i feel all better now!....[sigh] it doesn't work that way.

you know, michael has always said i don't have any patience... for somethings that is true... i have no long-term follow through skills. i want things to change RIGHT NOW. like losing weight. just cuz i gained 25 pounds in a year [ooh, signs of a problem there, eh?], i think i should be able to lose it all in a month or 2. i don't want to wait a year to be thin. and, this whole mess with me and michael... it has been so gradual, this drifting apart, that i can't even pinpoint a time and say "this is when i became unhappy"... but... i want it fixed RIGHT NOW. i don't want to wait 3 or 6 or 9 months, or years....

you know, michael is mad that i told cory about the reunion plans in my good-bye note. why? like i'm going to run off to the reunion without him? i thought he would know that i'm CHOOSING him. shouldn't that count for something? it's not just inertia. i mean... oh.... i'm sorry, i have to say this. you have to be honest in a diary, right? there are so many things that are attractive about cory, but in the end.... he's not right for me. he's not good for me... otherwise wouldn't we have ended up together? i told this all to michael, but it doesn't seem to help any. :-/

i just... i just... ugh! there has GOT to be a way. there just has to be a way. and you know the worst part? i think that the two of them would have gotten along, just like me and jeanie get along... if i hadn't brought up the past. i love michael. but.... i also love cory. i did love cory. or the idea of him. or the idea of friendship with him. i just don't know what it is... i will always have "feelings" for cory. i just don't know how to define them. obviously, it is really easy for me to fan these embers up into a full-blown bonfire. which, of course, when i stand right in the middle of a bonfire, i'm bound to get burned, right? that's the way it works. so.. now i'm burned. but [to switch metaphors in the middle of a thought]... i'm like a junkie that needs a fix even though they know it's not good for them.

and the worst part about that thought is, for a junkie, there is no middle road. you either get your drug, or you get as far away as possible, and cut it out of your mind. there is no "just a little." no "just one drink" for an alchoholic.

so.... where does that leave me? out in the middle of nowhere. just where i started.