and i am jealous of his best friend for being as needy as a woman, and wanting all michael's time. he doesn't have time for me anyway, but he has to go take care of his friend.

what is wrong with me?? we had a great weekend, we spent time together... so why am i still thinking of cory? a lot.

he's like my drug, my addiction. and i turned it off for ten years. but as soon as i opened the door in my mind a little crack, to examine the memories there, emotions came flooding in, overwhelming me. and i really really wish that cory would be able to read this. because he would understand the need to write, the wish to write. it's like my desires have split between the two of them, and i don' t know what to do. and the worst thing is, it was only two weeks that we talked. just two weeks. and now michael doesn't want me to email him again. ever.

which, i can certainly understand. after all, our messages certainly crossed all bounds of decency and propriety. i am married, after all. i just got carried away, talking to cory. and the worst part is... i started it. i should have found a way to talk to michael, i should have, instead of sharing all my hopes and dreams and frustrations with someone else...

but, that's all done with.

the problem is.... i still want to talk to cory.

i love michael. i really do. i can't see my life without him.

but...

i think, i think i am ... bored.

bored? is that the right word? i don't know. i certainly don't have a real passion for life. i don't feel happy, i don't feel excited. i don't feel angry.

i feel like i am hiding my emotions and feelings and thoughts, because he has too much other crap to deal with and there's nothing left for me. he never wants to know what is really on my mind. i am supposed to be perfect for him. always happy, never dissatisfied. always interested.